I think I have my talk...need feedback please!

I was watching "Boy Meets World" one time (gotta love ABC Family in the afternoons) and it totally made me think about my life. It was when they were all in college and all of them got into a huge fight with each other over a stupid prank. Mr. Finney and Eric made them all sit in a classroom and work it out because they had such a strong friendship and history together. One of them (Rachel) decides to leave because she had no strong connection to anyone, no lifelong friendship, no family, no relationship with any of them. Eric was the only one who noticed her leaving and said "are you all just going to let her leave like that?" From there it goes into the future where none of them were really close anymore. In fact they never spoke to each other since that day. They never forgave each other. However, it goes back to that day in the classroom where Eric wrote something that made them realize what they had. "Lose one friend. Lose all friends. Lose yourself." Then it got all mushy and they all made up and that was the end.

On to my life...I've had a few best friends in the past. Key word, had. I let a few things get to me and it ruined the friendship. Either made it not what it used to be, or we're just not friends anymore. (It's what happened with Chris, it's what happened with Maureen, it's what happened with Sabrina.) Recently I keep saying that my best friend is my sister, which she is, but it's just not the same. She's family. I know she will always be there, even if we fight and bicker and have things we just can't stand about each other. Four years ago, I could say that my best friends were people that would laugh at the most random things, be that shoulder to cry on, be that ear that would listen to EVERYTHING, be that person that could look into each other's eyes and knew exactly what we were thinking. I just want that back in a friend again. I had it, and then I let them go. The people that I hurt, the ones that I dropped off the face of the earth after one mishap, I am so sorry.

My life revolves around my friends. I would go out of my way to make sure their lives were on the right track, were just a little bit better because I had stepped in to do something for them, whether it was that shoulder to cry on, that ear to listen with, or shoot...that person to make macaroni and cheese for them in the middle of the night as they crammed for a final the next morning. I put my life on hold to make their lives better. I don't want to make this sound like I'm some sort of martyr when it comes to my friends, but they mean that much to me.

Then ROTC happened. Field Training. When it wasn't about my friends anymore and it was all about me. I cracked. I gave up. I left. And no matter how much I regretted it back then and how many excuses I gave, deep down, it all comes down to the point where I'm just going to say, I gave up. When I came back from that, the one thing I needed was THAT friend. The friend that I believe I was to other people. I wanted it to be Sabrina. She was my best friend in college, my roommate to be exact. It should've been her. But to my standards, she wasn't. If felt like she blew me off. I wanted her to make me open up to her like she used to do when we were so-called "best friends." But I couldn't open up, I bottled things in because of what I had done. Before then, she would NEVER let me do that, and she could tell if I was. But no, she stopped doing that for some reason. It was then, at that moment, I knew our friendship was going down the tube. I started to hate her. What made it worse was that I blamed her for me being depressed. I blamed her for everything. I was blaming myself at first, which was why I was bottling things in. Then I started blaming God for letting me do something like that. But over time, I started blaming her. I sought counseling for a while, and at every session, I would complain about her, about how she wasn't being a good friend, and how of course, none of it was my fault.

I had so much hate built up towards her, I was at a point where I could never forgive her for what she had done, which was nothing. We never talked anymore. We lived in the same room and never talked, except when she had friends over. Half the time, I would stay somewhere else, or sleep on the couch. I talked about her behind her back to my friends, making them hate her. And she knew, I knew she knew. But at the time, I didn't care. Then the end of the semester came, and I left. She had gone home for the holidays early, so I took the opportunity to move out of the apartment, without telling her. The only way she had a clue was that stupid housing called and left a message for me asking about the room change. Except for the few times I saw her walking around campus, that was basically the last time I saw her in that capacity. Let alone talk to her. I just couldn't forgive her for what she had done to me.

The following semester I still hadn't gotten over depression. I never found that friend in my life to help me pull out of it. My family couldn't help me, they were too far away. This time though, I couldn't blame anybody except myself for what I had done, with ROTC and with my best friend. It was then that I FINALLY turned to God for help. For forgiveness really. I just didn't want that feeling of hate anymore. I needed to start over. That's when God finally answered, and why I'm at where I'm at today.

Hate is such a strong word, and it should never be used towards a friend, towards God or towards yourself. To me, that has been my biggest sin. But I have learned so much about it. You never want hate building up inside you towards anybody, because it's hard to open up your true feelings about something...anything... when it's all you think about.

About a year from when this all happened, I received an email from Sabrina. It was the first time I had heard from her since I left that apartment. It was an apology letter. She was sorry for letting me down, for not being there. She was seeking forgiveness, and most of all, closure if a friendship wasn't possible. I had moved on, started a new life, and realized I was at a point where I didn't have that feeling of hate towards her. So I responded. I forgave her. No matter how much people said I shouldn't, I wanted to and needed to. We haven't quite built up that friendship again, but I'm working on it. I'm working on all of my friendships now. Making sure I don't screw things up again and put myself into a position where I'll be let down, even if it was me who did it in the first place.